


What is Wrong With You? (Human AU)

by masononotom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, College, HS, Human AU, Humanstuck, Kindergarden, Middle School, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, a lot of cussing tbh, and one small rude child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-23 22:13:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4894291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masononotom/pseuds/masononotom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small compilation of stories in the humanstuck universe featuring the love-life of Caliborn English.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliborn is a menace and new friendships are formed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I've been working on this longer than expected. I'm going to post all of it in one go and hope for the best. Feel free to check out my other work (Which, btw, will be back on regular schedule starting Sunday).

Jane Crocker had always considered herself to be a little overweight. The older she got the less it bothered her. She learned to accept, and even embrace, the way her body curved. As a child; however, the fact was brought up far too often for her liking.

Caliborn English was a menace as a child. He chased the girls and fought the boys and caused disruptions in the classroom. He had no friends because everyone disliked him, besides Dirk who thought he was hilarious, but none disliked him more than Jane. He was a constant tormenter for her, calling her names and chasing her around relentlessly. 

On one particularly bad day the class of five-year-olds went outside for recess. "Ok children, it just rained yesterday so the playground is a little muddy," the teacher stressed as the kids lined up at the door, "so be careful and don't get each other filthy."

The kids all filed outside and began to run and play, disregarding everything they had just been told. Jane walked out slower, keeping towards the back of the line so she wouldn't have to talk to anyone else. She found her way to the swingset and sat down. 

She sat swinging by herself for a while before she saw a familiar face moving towards her.

"Hey piggy," the child she knew was Caliborn English said.

Jane ignored him and continued swinging. 

"Oink oink!" He called out at her, "why won't you oink little piggy?"

"I am not a pig." Jane said simply. 

"Yes you are fatty," came the reply, "oink oink pig."

"I am not fat," Jane said a little louder, "and I am  not  a pig!"

Caliborn doubled over with laughter. As he bent down, he picked something up off of the ground. Jane couldn't see what he had grabbed until it came flying towards her and hit her in the stomach. Brown stains appeared on her shirt as the mud soaked in. Caliborn laughed, "Now you are!" He shouted, "Oink oink piggy! Now you have some mud to roll around in"

Tears started to roll down Jane's face, "St-stop it! I am  not  a pig!"

Caliborn continued taunting her as a small group began to form around the crying girl.

"What's wrong Janey?" Asked the girl who normally sat next to her. What was her name? Roxy? "Are you ok?"

Jane couldn't get herself to stop crying. A boy she knew but had never really talked to, Jake English, came towards her and patted her shoulder, "It's alright Janey," he said softly. Jane closed her eyes and shook her head, still crying as a final addition to the small group appeared behind Caliborn.

"Dirky!" The girl who had defended her called, "I think Caliborn is being mean to Jane."

"Dirky" turned to Caliborn, "Really Rox?" He asked, quirking an eyebrow over his dark sunglasses, "Why're you doing that bro?"

Caliborn laughed and looked at the other boy a little nervously, "I wasn't," he replied, "I was just talking to her."

The boy turned towards Jane now, "That true?"

Jane took a deep breath to steady herself and shook her head.

Roxy walked towards Caliborn, her hands forming fists at her sides, "How dare you lie to Dirk and pick on Jane! What's wrong with you?"

Caliborn spoke back calmly, "Nothing  bitch . I was just talking to the pig here is all." 

Something hard made contact with Caliborn's jaw with a resounding "Thwack!" Roxy stood in front of him as he felt his face, angry tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm going to tell the teacher!" He yelled at her, "You can't hit people!"

Roxy crossed her arms and looked at him defiantly, "Oh yeah? Maybe I'll tell on  you !"

"I didn't do anything wrong!" Caliborn shouted, "I was just trying to talk to Jane!"

"I'll tell the teacher you said a bad word," Roxy retorted as Caliborn stopped talking, "and that you got in the mud."

Caliborn glared at her a while. He then heard a simple, "She's got ya there man," come from the boy behind him. 

"Shut up Dirk!" Yelled Caliborn, "Shut up shut up shut up!"

Jake continued to hold Jane, trying to make her stop crying, "No you shut up," he replied fairly quietly before covering his mouth as though he shouldn't have spoken.

"Jake's right man, you gotta chill," Dirk said calmly. Caliborn's face grew red with anger, but he held his tongue. "Maybe you should get outa here."

Caliborn turned and glared at Dirk but did as he said and turned to leave. He saw his sister briefly afterwards and ran after her. Dirk walked closer to where Jane sat as the cries of "Get back here, bitch!" Grew fainter, indicating that Caliborn was moving farther away.

"You ok, Jane?" He asked, his brows creasing slightly in concern.

Silent tears fell down Jane's face but she nodded a little in reply.

"Well I'm Dirk," he replied, "and that's Jake there but apparently you knew that already? And this here is my cousin Roxy." He said as he indicated the girl who had hit Caliborn.

The four were an inseparable group from that day foreword. 

Jane had been told by her family and friends many times "Oh that's just his way of getting your attention," and "He must have just had a crush on you!" and Jane figured they were probably right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you like this kind of stuff you can go to my blog (accidentalhumanstuck.tumblr.com) and check it out!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliborn ruins his sister's love life.

In the years that followed, Caliborn seemed to develop different kinds of crushes. In his third year of middle school, his crushes consisted more of cool guys that he knew. His sister had taken a similar path, and begun pining over a girl a few years younger than her, Jade Harley.

As a 6th grader, Jade was the kind of kid that was nice to everyone. She would always smile and make others feel welcome, regardless of who they were or what they were doing. It was a trait which Calliope Remiel found rather endearing.

Calliope would often find herself watching Jade throughout the day. The way she confidently spoke to both friends and strangers, the way she flipped her hair, the way she threw her head back and laughed. She had a loud, infectious laugh. It was genuine and cheerful, like a laugh should be. Each time Callie heard it, she felt her heart beat a little faster and a small giggle escape her lips. It was one such time as this that her brother, Caliborn, finally saw the connection. "You're in love with Harley aren't you?" He asked when they were walking home from school. 

Blush began to form on Calliope's cheeks as she replied, "I don't see how that's any of your business, brother."

Caliborn smirked at her, "Of course it's not  my  business," he paused and watched her face to see her reaction but she presented no obvious facial cues, "but it sure as hell is Harley's and I'm going to be the one to tell her."

Caliborn spun around and began to run the opposite direction towards the school. He knew that Jade's bus hadn't come to pick her up yet and was determined to tell this piece of juicy gossip straight away. He smiled maliciously as he heard a pair of footsteps running after him. "Caliborn wait!" His sister screamed towards him, "What is wrong with you?" He picked up the pace.

Breathing heavily, Caliborn finally managed to reach the middle school. He looked around quickly to find Jade and, seeing her walking down to her bus stop, began to run again. "Harley!" He yelled, "Hold it!"

Jade turned, a surprised expression on her face, to see Caliborn running towards her. She quickly turned the expression into one of displeasure and crossed her arms over her chest. "Oh. What do  you  want?" She glared at him slightly and waited for an explanation.

Caliborn took several deep breaths and began to talk far too fast, "Well my bitch of a sister has an enormous crush on you but she doesn't want anyone to know but I thought it would be right for you to know since you're the one who will have to put up with it I'm just doing you a favor." He smiled an overly-sweet smile.

Jade blinked at him. "What?" She asked, confused, "Calliope has...a crush on me?"

Caliborn released exasperated sigh, "Yes of fucking course she has a crush on you how have you not realized?"

Jade blushed a little and replied quietly, "I guess I sort of assumed Calliope was...straight?"

"Well she's super not," Caliborn countered in an irritated tone, "She's hella gay."

"Oh..." Jade replied.

"Jade!" A girl called, running towards where Jade and Caliborn stood.

"Callie?"

Calliope ran up the rest of the way and immediately asked "What did he tell you?"

"Uh," Jade fidgeted a little in discomfort, "He said you had a crush on me?" Jade studied Calliope's face, "Is that true?"

Callie's cheeks grew progressively darker as she hastily tried to explain, "Well you see he was under the assumption that just because I think you're a really nice person and I like being around you I must have a crush on you which is absolutely absurd when you think about it in comparison to--"

"Callie." Jade said, cutting her off, "It's ok if you do it's just I uh, I don't like girls. Not like that I mean. I'm straight."

Calliope looked back at her a little dejectedly, "Yes. I-I figured as much." She replied, "I hope this doesn't affect our friendship at all."

Jade smiled kindly and shook her head. "Of course not Callie!" She said cheerily, not wanting to make her friend feel uncomfortable, "We can definitely still be friends!"

Calliope sighed in relief as her brother scoffed from the sidelines, "Well this has obviously been a huge waste of my time," he said as he turned to leave, "I'm going home." Jade and Calliope watched as he walked away.

"You do realize we have to get him back for this, right?" Jade asked with a mischievous smirk.

Calliope giggled and replied, "And how do you propose we do that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you like it I have more stuff from this universe posted on my tumblr (accidentalhumanstuck.tumblr.com) so feel free to check it out!
> 
> Also, a side note that I feel is important: Jade is super not straight it's only middle school she's just figuring things out at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliborn has a crush and everyone knows it.

After a great deal of planning featuring stifled giggles and plenty of whispering, the two girls parted ways. Calliope took her normal path home and Jade, having long since missed her bus, ended up calling her elder cousin Jake to ask his grandma for a ride home. The next day, they put their plan into action. 

They both arrived to the school separately in the same manner they always did and immediately seek each other out. Once they had found each other, they hurried excitedly over to the locker of Dave Strider. 

Now, Dave Strider wasn't the most punctual of people. His bro always insisted on driving him to school each morning and, as his legal guardian, felt it was his duty to make sure Dave always got to the school "fashionably late". Dave himself always thought it was pretty ironic so he considered it a cool thing to do. 

When Dave finally did come walking through the front door, he made several stops to talk to his friends before making his way over to his locker a few minutes before the first bell was scheduled to ring. "Hey," Dave said when he saw the pair of people standing there. He raised an eyebrow and asked simply, "What's up guys?"

The two girls hastily rambled on about what they wanted to talk about, both speaking loudly in unison. "In conclusion," Calliope said as they both seemed to be ending their trains of thought.

"Caliborn has a crush on you!" Finished Jade loudly, drawing the attention of several other students who stared at the group curiously. 

Dave laughed slightly and leaned against his locker, "Is that all?"

"W-well yes?" Calliope stammered out, "But isn't that an interesting piece of information?"

"He's in love with you!" Yelled Jade, once again causing people the stare at them. 

"Calm down Jade you're making a scene," Dave said, putting his hands up and lowering them as a gesture for her to quiet down. Jade nodded and shut her mouth. "Besides. I already knew that," Dave continued, dismissing it with a wave as he went to open his locker. At this point the students who had been eavesdropping had dispersed and begun to venture to their first classes of the day. 

"How could you know that already?" Asked Calliope incredulously. 

Dave let out a small laugh, "Dude I'm pretty sure the entire school knows it. He's not exactly low-key about it."

Jade cocked her head a little, "What do you mean?"

"Well I mean he like picks on me all of the time but always wants to hang out? And he tries to act like me. Pretty funny honestly that he thinks he's such hot shit we all he's really doing is copying me."

Jade and Calliope laughed a little, "I had beer really noticed that," Callie mused, "but now that you mention it he really does seem to at least think you're cool."

Dave shrugged, "Who can blame him?"

  


\---

  


Caliborn opened the doors loudly a little after Dave had entered. He had overslept that morning and left the house much later than his sister. He walked quickly, slumped over a little so he wouldn't make eye contact with anyone else and made his way to his locker. He stared at the small group which stood in front of Dave, 'Why the fuck is he talking to those two losers? He's cooler than that,' he thought to himself. He opened his locker and continued watching as he pulled out his supplies. 'What are they laughing about?' He asked himself. After shoving everything into his backpack haphazardly, he walked noisily towards their small meeting. 

"Oh shit here he comes," Dave whispered. 

Caliborn glared at him, "What are you assholes talking about?" He asked. 

"You mostly," Dave said with a shrug. 

Caliborn narrowed his eyes at him, "Why the fuck were you doing that."

"Don't be mad, bro. These two ladies were just tellin' me what's what is all."

At this point Caliborn turned towards his sister, "What the hell did you tell him,  bitch ?" 

Dave stepped between the two siblings, holding Caliborn back with one hand on his chest, "Hey man cool it she didn't do anything wrong."

"I know she did something!" Caliborn yelled, his arm coming dangerously close to Calliope, causing her to flinch and step back a little. "She always messes up everything that's important to me!"

"Bro, chill, what is wrong with you?" Dave said, giving him the patented Strider-stare complete with slightly furrowed brows and an otherwise neutral expression, "You told Jade about Callie liking her so all she did was return the favor."

Caliborn stared at Dave, no longer struggling to remove his hand from his chest, "She did  what ?"

Callie stepped to the side and stood behind Jade, avoiding the death glare her brother had shot her way.

"Well really she didn't do anything bro. It was obvious from the start that you were crushing pretty hard on me," Dave said, his face showing no signs of expression. It was times like this that Dave was thankful to have his sunglasses, even if it did make him look like a complete tool, to hide what his eyes would reveal. At this point Dave's eyes would have revealed just how angry he was at Caliborn and he couldn't have that. Not if he wanted to let the guy down easy. 

Caliborn's face showed just how flustered Dave's statement had made him. Although he was still glaring, he was no longer making eye-contact with anyone. The tips of his ears had grown red in embarrassment. 

Dave sighed a little, "But I'm sorry man, I just don't like you like that. I'm still working out my whole 'what type of person do I like' biz and I ain't ready to commit to anything just yet." He hoped Caliborn would buy it.

The group was quiet as the class bell rang. "No hard feelings?" Dave said, removing his hand from Caliborn's chest and extending it for a fist bump instead.

Caliborn turned to glare up at Dave, his eyes a little watery. He turned on his heel and stormed off to class, not even acknowledging Dave's friendly gesture.

"Well. I'll catch you guys later," Dave said, and turned to leave. 

Jade and Calliope walked to their first classes together. "Well," Jade said, "That could have gone better."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like human stuck? We'll I've got plenty on my blog (accidentalhumanstuck.tumblr.com) so feel free to check it out


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caliborn and Dirk try living together.

Many years later when Caliborn had entered college, long after all of his previous failures in establishing relationships, he found himself in a similar situation but, much to his relief, this time neither Jade nor Calliope had any part in it. 

Caliborn walked through the door of his dorm and abruptly hopped to the left side of the room. He and his roommate, Dirk Strider, had established long ago that there had to be strict rules within their lodging in order to keep them from killing one another. Well, it was more Caliborn's idea than Dirk's. Dirk wasn't really the kind of guy to go off on someone. He usually appeared and acted emotionless, only removing his stoic face twice in Caliborn's presence, once in tears when his boyfriend dumped him and the other time in anger from the time Caliborn picked on his friend as a child. Caliborn, on the other hand, was quick to go off on anyone and anything. So they kept the borders, and that was just the way Caliborn liked it. 

Knowing Dirk probably wouldn't be back until later, he threw his bag in the corner and sprawled out on his twin bed. He glared at the ceiling for a long time, occasionally glancing at Dirk's side of the room, which was indicated by the line made out of masking-tape going across the floor. There was something on Dirk's desk that he had never seen before sitting near his drawing tablet and laptop. Standing up, he began to venture closer to the border. The piece of paper he had spotted sat close to the edge of the desk, almost within arm's reach. Caliborn tried to stretch his arm out to grab it but couldn't reach from where he stood, "Dammit," he mumbled, inching forward until his toes were touching the line. Not reaching it again, he looked over his shoulder at the door. 'Dirk's not here,' he told himself, 'man the fuck up and grab it.' He stepped forward and grabbed the paper roughly, pulling his foot back afterwards as though he had been burned. He shuffled back to his own side to sit down on his bed as quickly as his prosthetic leg would carry him. As soon as he sat he examined the slightly-crumpled piece of paper in his hands. "Oh what the fu-" Caliborn started to say as the door opened. He hurried to put the paper behind his back. 

"Hey bro," Dirk said, standing in the doorway and stepping over to his side of the room. 

Caliborn shook off his surprised look and regained his usual pissed-off expression. "Hey," he replied, shoving the paper in his back pocket.

Dirk walked over to his desk and quirked an eyebrow, "Yo Cal, do you know where that drawing on my desk went?"

Caliborn shrugged slightly and replied, “Why would I care?” 

Dirk stared at the empty space on his desk and began to sort through some of the things scattered on its top, “Fair point,” he reasoned.

Squirming on the bed slightly, Caliborn debated whether or not he should give some sign that he had it. He had never been one to miss out on an opportunity to taunt anyone and he was terrible at keeping secret. “Hey just by the way...” he began.

“Yeah, what?” Dirk replied, looking back at his roommate's face.

Caliborn smirked slightly as he grew more confident in what he was about to say, “Is it a normal thing to draw porn of yourself and your ex-boyfriend?”

Dirk stared at him, not fully comprehending. His facial expression did not change, but Caliborn could tell he was getting embarrassed from the redness forming on his ears. “You asshole,” he replied, stepping over towards Caliborn’s side of the room, “why did you look at it? It's nothing like that.”

Caliborn lied fluently, the smirk never leaving his lips, “Well I just so happened to walk into the room and see this piece of trash sitting on my side of the room. Being the good friend and roommate I am I decided to pick up the paper and return it to your side. When I picked it up though, I found myself staring at an appalling picture of you and your ex-boyfriend and decided that I should not give it back.”

“I only drew us holding hands!” Dirk said at a volume slightly above normal, “You fucking crossed the line and took it didn’t you?”

‘Wow, have I actually managed to piss this guy off?' Caliborn thought, a little surprised. "Why would I cross the line? I was the one who suggested it in the first place."

"Caliborn don't lie to me I know you did it!" Dirk said, the redness on his ears slowly spreading towards his face.

"God, ok fine," Caliborn replied, holding the paper just out of Dirk's reach in case he decided to try and grab it, "maybe I took it. What does it matter anyways it's not like it's an actual picture or anything. Just a product of your own fucked up imagination."

"You're the one who's fucked up, Caliborn. Why do you always have to remind me of this? Can't I go one day without having to face the fact that I messed up what was possibly the only time I'll ever really find love? Is it not enough for you to know that I failed and leave it at that?" The way Dirk was looking at him was starting to get to him now. His normally expressionless face showed signs of actual distress. His eyebrows formed creases in his forehead and from what Caliborn could see of his eyes through the dark sunglasses sitting on his face, they seemed to be practically pleading him to stop. 

"Are you ok? You look like you're going to cry," Caliborn said, his voice a little wary, not really wanting Dirk to break down. He wasn't quite sure of what his intentions actually were when initiating this conversation but they certainly weren't this. 'Shit. Shit. Shit,' he said to himself, 'this isn't supposed to happen no. Dirk is way too cool to cry.' 

Sure enough, a few stray tears managed to find their way under Dirk's shades in order to roll down his cheeks. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He removed his glasses which had started to fog up and rubbed his eyes on the back of his hand. He looked back at Caliborn without putting them back on in order to make more direct eye-contact. 

Caliborn looked back at him and tried to regain the arrogant face he had pulled earlier, but soon found he could no longer manage. He instead shifted into a half-hearted scowl and muttered quietly, not quite meeting Dirk's eyes, "I don't know." Was all he could muster. 

Neither of them said anything for a long time. Caliborn drew his knees against his chest and wrapped his arms around them. In one hand he still held the drawing with a loose grip. Dirk remained standing, his odd brown-orange eyes still wet as he tried to regain his composure.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Caliborn said, looking up pitifully at Dirk. His face showed his distress clearly, and for the first time he didn't fight to hide it with arrogance or anger. "People have always asked me that question. I just--" he paused briefly and broke eye contact, looking down at his feet, "don't know."

Silence again. Caliborn refused to look up to read Dirk's face. He couldn't bear to see his expression which he was certain would show something along the lines of disgust or pity, neither of which he could handle. Much to his confusion, after a few moments of silence, Caliborn felt a pair of arms wrap around him firmly. "What the--" he said, startled at this sudden gesture. 

"Be quiet," Dirk replied, "I'm sorry, ok?" Now he was confused. Why would Dirk be apologizing to him? Sensing this, Dirk continued, "I'm sorry that I went off on you, and I'm sorry that I asked that," he pulled away a little in order to look at Caliborn, "There's nothing wrong with you." Caliborn opened his mouth to reply but was once again cut off by a small smirk from Dirk as he added, "We'll nothing  too  wrong with you. You're still an ass."

Caliborn didn't really know what to say. He wasn't very good with words or people and this was sort of a new situation for him. "I -uh"

"Hey man, it's chill. You don't got to reply if you've got nothing to say. Just needed to get it off my chest for a sec because I was out of line. We're still friends right?"

The term "friend" was not one often used to describe Caliborn. The closest thing he had ever really had to a friend was that one clown-obsessed guy, Gamzee who had let him and his awful sister live in his basement for a while to get back on their feet. He had never been overly fond of him. "Friends?" Caliborn shifted away slightly in discomfort, sneering slightly in Dirk's direction. "I've never really-"

"Yeah I know. If Jake's cuz John were here he'd give you some lame-ass speech about the importance of friendship or some bullshit but I'm not him so all I have to say is that I consider you a friend." Dirk picked up his glasses and put them back on as he stood up again. He straightened his back and began walking towards the door. "Oh and keep the picture, man. It's dumb anyways."

Caliborn looked down at the drawing he was barely managing to hold in his hand. He furrowed his brow as he considered what to say next. Dirk had opened the door and was about to exit before Caliborn had formed the words in his head. "Dirk!" He called after him as he stepped outside.

"Yes?" He questioned, backtracking slightly.

"I uh--" he began. His grip on the paper loosened further and it fell to the ground, "I'm sorry. I got too personal."

A small but triumphant smile lined Dirk's face, "It's all fine, Calibro."

Dirk was leaving again. Caliborn refused to let that smirking bastard get the last words. "And hey!"

"Yeah?"

Caliborn smirked, "Don't draw any more porn, ok?"

Dirk laughed and replied with a grin, "Dude, what is wrong with you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! If you want to read something similar you can check out my other work or my blog accidentalhumanstuck.tumblr.com


End file.
